I was invited to Des Moines, Iowa. I made a quick twenty-four hour trip between Tess' actual Seventh Birthday (November 3) family dinner and her little girl Ballet party (November 5). Early in the afternoon of November 4, I hustled to the Dayton International (sure it is) Airport to catch a quick flight to Iowa. Big doings in Iowa, you know. The Reagan Dinner, I even did a little radio chat.
Back to the TSA and ME. I carefully had packed a carry-on with regulation 3 ounce or less goos and spillables. I always carry a book (actually one for each day) and embroidery. In my embroidery, there was nestled a sewing scissor. Always have one, always will. Never an issue, ever. Wedged between 3 oz. bottles of beauty, I had my nifty Lady Schick. Always carry it (disposable, one a day), always will. I danced through the "full body scanner" like one of "The Four Tops". All of a sudden, I thought that I was caught in a good old fashioned air-raid! A swat team of uniforms and badges swooped down on me as if I had been speaking fluent Terrorist Threat Lingo! The Brigadeer General of Homeland Security, or so Ms. Nasty Pants acted, firmly stated, "Hey, we gotta pat ya down! I gonna do a full body, invasive search a ya'll!" I said, "There is a chance that I'll miss my plane and what on earth for?" "Hey, hon, ya'll got on all them shiny sequins an' all! That make the maching go nuts!' "Well", I replied, "if you know that my sequins on my shirt are to blame, and I've been through the scanner, what will a pat down do?" "Thin Ah kin check ta see if ya got any more!" Ms. Nasty Pants called for "a little help hea". I then took my chances and said, "This makes a lot of sense. Let's put me on the Italian, No Fly List because of bling. The Taliban, I realize isn't known for sequins and beads...so, they can rig themselves to explode and threaten us, while we make sure that these sequins don't deflect signals from outter space and endanger our National Security. Is this in a procedure book to be wary of animal print sprinkled with sequins?" Miss Nasty Pants was told by her superior mauler forget the matter and get back to work. I thanked the obviously more sensible of the two and managed to catch the last call for boarding my flight.
Travelers know how this is...when you depart from somewhere, eventually, you have to return. That would have been the next morning...TSA agents were pleasant enough at O-Dark:30 in the morning. Again, my bag of embroidery whizzed through the x-ray scanner. I had no razor, used it, disposed of the disposeable. And then, the carry-on suitcase did the one glide forward and two glides back on the scanner's belt. Oh nuts! Now what? "Mam", said Sunbonnet Sue (She really should have been milking cows and shucking corn. The whole official uniform thing wasn't working for her pure ivory complexion and blue as a clear lake eyes.) "Mam, (that hateful word again), I have to ask you a few questions!" I realized the questions were not of the what do I like for breakfast nature, or for whom did I want to vote. "Really, what's the matter?" I inquired. "I have to search your suitcase. There apparently is a heavy, sharp edged object in there. Before I look, do you want to tell me what I'm looking for?" Really, I mean, REALLY? The scissor was yawning waiting for me to go to the gate. I now had to create a "confession" about what? I couldn't fathom just what was irritating her enough to irritate me! Didn't she like my cocktail dress? Was the satin coat abrasive? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT???
She tore open the suitcase, tossed around my belongings and as if she ripped the heart out of Julius Ceasar or someone of that stature, she proudly exclaimed, " Ah-ha! I've found it!"
I have, in the past few weeks, stirred quite a bit of sympathy for myself concerning THE VILLAGER. As you might recall, I have a convoy of bulldozers ready to activate itself. I was given a heavy, die cast, model, Catepiller...BULLDOZER when I arrived in Des Moines!
I guess that the TSA decided that all 5'2", 112 pounds of Italian "Organza", Anne Klien II and Estee Lauder could take down an "AirBus" with a...wait for it...4 inch by 3 inch by 2 1/2 inch die cast Bulldozer. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
I explained to Rebecca of SunnyBrook Farm with a badge the entire story of my book, my blog, my Apartment Complex, the Bulldozer parade that is to be launched. Instead of calling a mental institution, she took a book mark (my son designed them), said it was a pleasure to talk, and be safe!
So, that is my story of a quick 24 hour trip to Des Moines, Iowa. The Bulldozer is on a table in my living room warming its engine!!!
BEWARE!!!
On the other hand, I shout out to Renee! The most good natured, naturally entertaining flight attendant in United Airlines. I experienced a flight home with her. She helped all of the previous craziness go away!
No comments:
Post a Comment