On a cold, windy, snowy day, I ventured out of my warm, rather cozy home and braved the elements to pick up Tanner (4) at Nursery School. We came back chattering about lunch, The Disney Channel, "Meme (may-may), can I paint?" and all sorts of important subjects. I said that I'd start lunch and set a nice fire in the fireplace! We could have Macaroni and Cheese, Hot Chocolate, Cookies, watch Mickey Mouse do the "Hot Dog" and stay toasty later on the couch in front of a fire! Oh, Tanner was thrilled and volunteered to "help"!
The macaroni danced in the bubbles in the pot on the stove. We packed our Hot Chocolate with scrumptious marshmallows (or as Tanner says..."smarshmellows"). Mickey and Minnie along with Donald and Daisy were involved in a colorful adventure with Goofy giving all sorts of "helpful" tips. We laughed at the weather outside. We were warm, dry (the rent was paid, utilities on time, etc). All we had to do was light the fireplace.
I know that I have been a little mouthy about The Villager. I know that I had enlisted an Army Batallion to bull-doze the complex. But, today, I loved my Wood Burning Fireplace and would never move (or bulldoze) for the world!
We had gathered a few sticks...kindling, the experts say. I had crumpled newspaper and placed it on the grate, beneath the kindling. Tanner helped crumple, giggling and feeling very grown-up helping this way! We placed our perfectly split, designer wood ($5.99 a 5 log bundle at Dorothy Lane)on top of the heap. Ah...matches? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Tanner and I went through all of the kitchen drawers! I had to mix the Macaroni with the Cheese at this point before it all turned to paste. We resumed the match search! I don't smoke, my stove is electric, I couldn't find the matches I had hidden from the children after I lit the last mood setting candle! Leaving lunch on a warm burner, I launched the search mission in my bedroom. I have more "junk"?"Just in case?" drawers than a well worn flea market. NOTHING! Tanner was giving suggestions, such as the "dress-up trunk", the washing machine, under Priscilla's water bowl, etc (Hey, he's four!). Finally, in my "tool" drawer of my craft room, I found a half book of matches! Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
We fell over each other racing back to the living room! The Hot Chocolate was tempid at best. Who wanted to burn their mouths on HOT Macaroni and Cheese...WE FOUND MATCHES!!!
"Tanner, honey, you just have to stay back so Meme can light this. I don't want any wood to pop, or a spark to burn you. I'll just light the paper, and the fire will catch!" By now, Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Goofy, Pluto were doing the "Hot Dog" at the end of the show. (Well, it's only a half hour production, and we had been at this for a while).
I struck the match, lit a corner of the paper. I struck another match and lit the center of the center of the assemblage! A tiny flame! A tiny flame that didn't catch. "Meme, try again!" said my assistant. "Ok Tan, and then we just have to eat lunch. It'll get cold and icky. Here we go!" I struck match number three...a flicker, a tiny flame, some smoke, no commitment on the fire's end. Hmmmmm. Attempt after attempt led to a tiny flame for nano seconds, not really strung together for any significant amount of time! Embers glowed and fizzled. Ah-ha! Bellows! A little poof air to catch this! NOTHING! The flame would burst and die! "Meme! Stop blowing on it! You blow it out like birthday candles!" That was it! "Good idea, Tanner! Let's light birthday candles and leave them in the fireplace! They will burn long enough to catch the logs on fire!"
Many of us, I am sure, have stray birthday candles just stuck in a kitchen drawer. So, I went to my stash. I lit the birthday candles...five on a match. (Hey, I'm quick and down to the last three matches!) A little flicker, a little smoke, a lot of cold Mac and Cheese (bless microwaves) and frigid Hot Chocolate (no tongue burning here). NO FIRE!
Hey, Smokey the Bear! Would you please tell me where you come up with stuff like: ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES. Aren't some of those trees, fresh and sappy? How do entire forests burn down, yet, some Wanna be Cool grandparent can't light a fireplace? I am not suggesting that I advocate forest fires! The death of wildlife and fauna are devastating. But, WHAT IS THE RECIPE FOR A COZY, CRACKLING FIRE IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT SUCH AS MY APARTMENT FIREPLACE? The wood was laughing at me, Tanner was laughing at the wood laughing at me! Agent Ozo came on to the Disney Channel next and even his "three simple steps" couldn't rescue us from our non- atmosphere!
So, watching Disney's "Good Luck Charlie" under a snuggly blanket on my ultra-soft couch, Tanner and I ate our luke-warm Mac and Cheese, drank our Cool Chocolate and kept glancing at the fireplace, reassuring ourselves that, "It's almost...see...there is a little glow! You see it don't you? Sort of...right there?"
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