LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? SHHH!!! (or...There's Nothing New Under The Sun!")

My mother told me that there is nothing new under the sun. She more or less meant that history repeats itself in one way or another. Typical of Mom...she just might be spot on, right! When I was seventeen years old, my father was going to be admitted to a hospital for gall bladder surgery. In the "old days", a surgeon would make an incision, remove the monster affliction and stitch the patient back up. This required a hospital stay of at least a week and recovery period at home for ages. On the morning of my father's admittance into the hospital, he pulled his old, old, dark blue, wrinkled bodied Volkswagen Beetle around to the patio, behind our house in order that my Mom could pull her car in and out of the driveway to visit him. My mother was never, ever approached to teach Drivers' Education! She couldn't back up, refuses to drive on highways, won't make left turns, only parks in parking lots in "pull through" spaces and the list goes on and on. My father told me to start the car every day to keep the battery charged. It was February and he didn't want anything to "freeze". Ah-huh. He repeatedly warned me to attempt driving nowhere! I couldn't drive a "stick" and had already failed my driving test three times. I promised that I would simply turn the engine on, let run for a few minutes, turn it off and leave the stick, choke and clutch alone. So, on the following morning, I turned on the engine, thought that I could drive that bug around the backyard (huge corner acre) and return it to its secure spot on the patio! With a lurch, Blue Bug wound up straddling three steps leading up to the back porch! My Grandmother came out of the house. To say that she was shocked, momentarily speechless and upset is just not doing the poor woman justice! "Dolly Dear, what are you doing? You're going to knock down the house! You aren't supposed to drive the car! You aren't supposed to drive the car up the back steps especially! Get that off!" This was done as she continuously blessed herself and with a strong Italian accent! Ugh! "Nana, the guys at school pick this kind of car up all of the time and turn them around or move them!" I was interrupted by: "But, they don't drive them up[ steps!" I tried again: "Nan, let's just pick this thing up and we'll put it back!" Pleading ensued: "Dolly Dear! Make that car go back! Your papa is going to be mad at both of us!" Her exasperation and frustration were only topped by her reluctant and ineffective attempt at pushing, pulling, lifting with me. Realizing that the brute strength of an elderly woman and 101, 5'2" weenie was non-existent, I said, "Never mind, Nan. I'll just back up." Thinking that I could back a car, resting at a forty-five degree angle, off brick steps, I smartly put the car in reverse. I splintered a wooden picnic table, which unceremoniously crashed into the cedar shake of the house! Groaning, I slammed that Beetle into first gear and managed to stop it, just short of another trip up the stairs! Then, I was regaled with the Litany of Saints in Italian for my black, black soul and the demise of an old picnic table, benches and the rear of a house! "Nana! Stop! All we have to do is touch up the paint on the house". The house was due to be painted in the spring. It was a light grey. The "touch up paint", definitely looked way too fresh. Nana and I tried scraping loose cedar and applying paint. Oh, that looked so bad! That evening, my cousin Stephen visited along with is parents, my grandfathers, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles. The beauty of being Italian, not to sound corny..."You'll never walk alone." I convinced my cousin to sneak out of the house with a flashlight with me. We brought bleach, cleanser, steel wool, anything that we could think of to fade the grey and blend the "patch" with the house. Stephen was sworn to secrecy. After the immediate world left, I said to my Grandmother: "Hey, Nana, do you think that we could not tell Dad about his car, the steps, the patio, the picnic table, the house and the paint?" She guaranteed that she would not tell a would not tell a soul, even my Grandfather. Whew! At my twenty-sixth birthday dinner, my sister, my parents, my grandparents and I were gathered around the table. Right before my birthday cake was brought out, we were all having a lively conversation about who knows what - everything and nothing. At one point, I looked across the table at my Father and kiddling said that he really never knew what was going on in the household. I said that his cluelessness was part of his charm and that's why we loved him. He looked directly into my eyes and said: "Oh, yeah?" I assured him that if he had been so intune, he would have noticed a few extra dents in the Volkswagen nine years ago. My Grandmother gasped and threw her fingers to her lips! "Dolly Dear, be careful!" The story of the car, steps, patio, picnic table, house, painting ruse came tumbling from me. Nana exclaimed: "All these years, I never said anything! Now, told? Dad was still, silent. And then: "Is that so?" Looking at Nana: "You were in on that with her?" We all,including my ButterScotch, my cat, held our collective breath. Enlightened, he declared: "Well, you two are always in cahoots! Hey Ang! (my Mom),let's light the candles and get this show on the road." Time has passed, as it always does. Tess, my nine year old Granddaughter, called a month ago to tell me that her brother (oldest, eleven year old Todd) was in trouble and if Mom (my daughter) found out, all three (Todd, Tess, Tanner (7) children would get into trouble. I said, "Hmmmm...and this news is such a great Grandparent's Day gift Tess. What's up?" She then shrieked, "That's it! I'm cheering today. I know you couldn't come to the game because of your ankle (Broken) and all, but, you have to come to the game for Grandparents' Day! We'll do a special cheer! Todd, come here! Meme (may-may) is coming to the game, we're saved!" Call me slow, but, I still didn't know what was going on. "Wait, wait Tess, what is the Big Trouble before we get on about the Fourth Grade Football game?" Here it went: Todd, the 2014 version of "Charlie Brown", Tess (nine year old cheer/ring master) and Tanner (7 and clueless) went swimming in a friend's pool on the day before. Todd left his brand new eye glasses there. Mom has zero tolerance for irresponsibility. The Trio had to retrieve those glasses, without anyone knowing what had happened. So, after painstakingly readying myself, cushioning my leg, I made a two hour drive to Zanesville. I would "surprise" everyone by my strength, go to the football game, take a soaking at the snack bar and the Trio would jump into my car after the game and guide me to McKenna's house for the rogue glasses. Simple? When I was ten minutes from the field, my daughter phoned. Cell phones are blessings...why? "Mom! Tess told me some nonsense about Grandparents' Day and that you are coming to the game! You'll never heal! You FELL you have to heal! We need you so much to stay with the kids when we travel this year. Why are you doing this? What's wrong with you? If you are already almost here, YOU go to the game. I'm so mad that you are worse than a child! YOU need a sitter! I can't believe...Tess! You wait here for Meme! She can go to the game. Tanner! Get Meme a chair. She needs a psychiatrist, but a chair will do! Mom, you fell! You're hurt! This is serious! What are you..." I pulled into the driveway, as I slowed down, kids, chairs, literally jumped into the car! Tess: "I'm sorry you got in trouble, Meme!" Like bandits plotting to hold up the next train heading West, we giggled and laughed as I zoomed to the football field. We were on pins and needles for that game to end! I seriously wondered of Todd was a techno-geek enough to rig that digital scoreboard to cut out some of the time! Finally, the last whistle, horn, whatever blew! Three different directions to one house, minutes later, we roared into McKenna's driveway. Tess jumped out of the car before I had it in "Park" and raced up the front stairs. McKenna's Mom answered the door and said: "Oh, Tess! McKenna must have told you we are having a lazy day at home. She said that you phoned whispering about something. I have Todd's glasses. I was just about to phone your Mom to tell her that they are safely here!" Tess screeched: "Don't tell Mom! There's Meme in the car. She wanted to say HI and pick up the glasses for us!" Wave, wave, smile, smile, see you next trip to Zanesville, sure, we'll do lunch. Tess jumped back into the car and off we went with Todd sporting his glasses. The children eventually were home, all snug in their beds, with visions of naughty Meme dancing/limping in their heads. For about twenty minutes, as I drove back to Kettering, Mom yelled and blathered; said that she guessed that I should have stayed the night, etc. Finally, I said: "What? What? I must be riding in a black hole! I can't hear you!" Disconnect. Nana, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? You kept my secret. I think it best that you come with me to Tess' twenty-sixth birthday dinner and please, please, help me keep a secret, because there truly is nothing new under the sun!