THEY'VE MOVED PARADISE AND PUT IN ZANESVILLE ( I KNOW I'M YOUR FAVORITE )

One day, as I was contemplating curly or straight hair after a shower, my phone rang.  Well, it didn't actually ring.  My ring tone sounds like Tinkerbell entering the movie set of Peter Pan.  It twinkles.  Anyway, the Trio (Grandchildren - Todd, 11; Tess, 10; Tanner 7) on speaker, with their Mom (my daughter, aka, The Princess of Zanesville) singing backup:  "Meme! (may-may)  Guess what?  You are going to come over and play, take care of us for a whole week!  We're going to dancing lessons, gymnastics, Oriental Buffet, Bob Evans, Roosters- we can get balloon animals there, Picnic Pizza!  We need to go to the Mall!  Make sure you bring Taylor Ham and Italian Bread!  Did you find the book about Andre the Giant for me (Todd)?  Did you finish shortening my First Communion Pants? (Tanner)  Can you come to a special recycle party at school with me and stay for lunch (Tanner again)  We're going to have so much fun!"  Apparently the Princess needed a vacation and the Trio was planning an itinerary to be the busiest and eventually the poorest grandmother in Ohio.  That being said...

We managed to get to school on time on Monday.  I happened to wake up, flip on the news and realize that I'd better get busy.  Attending Mass with Tanner was pleasant enough and we managed to get to our lessons without incident.  Well, mysteriously, Tess could find only one of her ballet shoes!  Hmmm...for two feet.  "But, Meme!  At Whitney's (dance instructor/studio owner) store next door (enterprising Ballet Teacher, yes?), there are the new ballet shoes that I've been begging Mommy for!  They have a split sole..."  Ah-ha!  Convenient loss, n'est-pas?  The Oriental Buffet, that evening dished out "Italian Meatballs" skewered, three on a stick.  Chock full of rice!  REALLY?  Ah, the company was key, not so much the fare.

Thinking that I was a cool, techno-grandparent, I set the alarm on my phone to wake us up on Tuesday morning.  Did you know that Zanesville is not in the same time zone as Guatemala?  How my phone hitched into Guatemala time is beyond me.  We just barely made it in time to Todd and Tess' Middle School, only because the teacher at the door was distracted by my horn and loud music enough to stand, look around, take it all in and not close the door until it was five minutes later!  YES!  When I signed Tanner into his school late, the secretary said:  "Well, that's some story!  If it were anyone else, I wouldn't believe a word, but from you, Mrs. Macy, Guatemala figures!"   Should I be offended?  Before dinner at Bob Evans where on Tuesdays Children Eat Free (except on my $45.00 check, it seems), I bought an alarm clock and four extra batteries.

On Wednesday morning, I couldn't turn off the alarm clock.  Tess said: "Meme!  Look for the switch to turn it off!"  Todd struggled to open two eyes, turned it off  with the switch, looked at me and said:"Duh?"  Tanner, whose hair looked as if he did it with a lightning bolt, said: "Meme!  You've just been 'duhhed'!"  Yes, I managed to get to Todd and Tess' Mass and to the "Recycle" party.  Yes, I zipped to a "Subway" for Tanner's lunch.  The balloon animals just "made" dinner at Rooster's!

Thursday, according to the news, was:  "Bring Your Daughter/Child To Work Day".  Nice.  The children began watching the morning news, as I do, getting ready for school during the week.  As I was putting breakfast on the table, I heard giggling as they tumbled down the stairs, in their jammies!  "What are you doing?  Why don't you have on your uniforms?  We're going to be late!  Mom will be furious if you are late twice in the week Tanner!  Todd, Tess, we aren't going to be lucky another day to escape late slips!  Let's move it!"  "Meme!  We saw on the news, you know, you tell us to watch the news!  We saw that it's take your kids to work day!  So, we figured we didn't have to get dressed...we'll stay with you at your work!  Or, well, what is it that you DO do anyway?"  The Mall and Picnic Pizza pushed me right into poverty level, but it was so worth it!  Vinnie, the owner of Picnic Pizza, I understand is originally from Sicily, through Queens and fell off of a covered wagon in Zanesville!

What I have not mentioned...the restaurants were fine, except for the rice in meatballs.  The week was fun.  The Mall, pricey...Todd's LeBron Nikes, Tess' pink, lacy glittery Nikes, Tanner's really cute shoes from Children's Place, Justice outfits, accessories for Tess, X-Box Live connection for Tanner, Tsum-Tsums for Tess (18 of them), Wrestling belts for Todd.  Snuggling at night, whispers, secrets, stories about my Nana.

Tanner:  "You'll bring me to the Church early to meet my class on Communion Day? The others can meet us in time for the Mass.  Shhhh....don't tell the big kids.  I know I'm your favorite."

Tess:  "Meme, I always love the way you smell (Thanks Organza).  You'll be my maid of honor when I get married, right?  Don't tell the boys, but I know that I'm your favorite."

Todd:  "Hey Meme!  When the kids go to sleep, I'll teach you how to do X-Box Smack Down and Chairs and Ladders.  You can be Kane or The Rock!  We can talk and play like grownups without the kids!  I know, Meme, I'm your favorite and always will be!"

ROAD (FROM OHIO, THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA, THROUGH NEW JERSEY INTO NYC) TO WRESTLEMANIA

About a month ago, I opened and invitation to a wedding in Jersey City, New Jersey.  For the past twelve years, I have been living in Ohio.  (Long story about a daughter and three grandchildren. We'll have a glass of wine and I will tell you all about it another time)  A family friend, whom my family has known for about thirty years was to get married on Friday evening, February 27.  After considering that I would be seated with the Princess and Punk along with my X and his insignificant other, I had the sinking feeling that, depending on M'lady's mood, I just might be facing a firing squad.  (Also another story to share over a case of wine)

AND THEN -

The Princess phoned and said that we'd have to consider child care for the Trio, her children, my grandchildren (Todd,11; Tess,10; Tanner, 7), not invited to the wedding, assuming that I would accept the invitation.  We considered family members in New Jersey until I seized the moment and said:  "Tiff!  I'm not going to the wedding.  I have a fabulous gift that I will send, but I won't be going.  I'll baby sit!"  With relief, I swear I could hear her smiling on the other end of the phone connection.  YES!  We would paint the town in Kettering, Ohio!

AND THEN -

About a week later, I was sent a notification that WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) would be appearing in Columbus, Ohio on March 5.  Todd and I are veteran WWE patrons (Check out my blog: WWE, TODD AND ME)  I phoned Tiff, unable to reach her, I left a message on the landline asking if I could take Todd to WWE on March 5.  But, the Trio, in three part harmony returned the call, hours later and told me that they would be thrilled to ALL go to "Smack Down" or whatever.  I jumped on that, but for four tickets: SOLD OUT!  Now what?

AND THEN -

I received a notification that WWE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA was happening at Madison Square Garden in New York City on...wait for it...wait for it...February 27!  Readers, I can baby sit ANYWHERE as long as I have Triple T, my three charges with me!  So, I phoned the Princess of Zanesville: "Hey Tiff!  While you are at the wedding, the Trio and I will be at Madison Square Garden watching ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA.  Thankfully, she does not have Power of Attorney over me, or she just might have had me committed to the basket weaving institution for the marginally insane.  I did not wait for a reply, disconnected and ordered four ringside seats at Wrestlemania.  I learned that Hulk Hogan was to be honored at that time as well!  Well, you just can't beat that!  My parents, aka: The Honeymooners, the Trio's great-grandparents live exactly nineteen miles from the Lincoln Tunnel on the New Jersey side.  I phoned them and announced that I was bringing the children to visit them for the day - February 27th and from there we would go to the show.  We would spend the night and on Saturday, head back.  I was trying to pray and strategize between  snow storms.  The Honeymooners were not impressed.  Even though they wanted to see the children, they thought that I was out of my mind to "baby sit" from Ohio, across Pennsylvania, through New Jersey and then New York.  There was the idea that I could baby sit anywhere, but really...EVERYWHERE?

WELL -

They began the "shrink cycle" whereby I am demoted from 60 to 4 1/2 years old.  "What's that going to cost you?  How can you consider driving in the winter with three children?  What if it snows?  What if one of you has to use a restroom?  NEW YORK CITY-  What 's wrong with you?  When exactly do you think that you'll grow up to be a responsible adult?  Well, you'll have to stay here, and that's that!  Jeremy and Tori will have to take off for the day!"  (Jeremy, my nephew, 22 year old graduate student, living in their house because it is close to the University and Tori, my niece, 17 years old more that thrilled to be truant for any reason, or none at all).  They continued: "Todd loves playing with Jeremy and Tori will make over Tess.   Poor Tanner getting dragged across the country!  What is wrong with you traveling all over when it may, to repeat, snow?  You have no sense!  You are going to drive into the City?  Are you nuts?  How do you think you can keep track of three children in the City and at the Garden?"  And on and on and on and on for two weeks, twice a day, they took to the airwaves and sang "the same old song" and Motown had nothing to do with it!

SO -

On Thursday, the 26th, I picked up Todd, Tess, Tanner at school after picking up their suitcases, blankets, electronics.  We sang and giggled as far as Bethel, Pennsylvania.  When we pulled into a snappy hotel parking lot (reservations based on indoor pool, hot and cold running snacks and hot breakfast), with total frustration, Todd jumped into the front seat, ordered me to start the car again, fiddled with the screen on my dashboard and managed to get the sound working on the navigation system and told me to stop trying to shut her up, because the volume mutes every time, "You yell at her Meme!"  (may-may).  After  dinner at the "Midway" (I highly recommend it), we (Todd and I) relaxed poolside, swam like fish, pumped up some music volume (ask Todd) and practiced a little hip-hop dancing (Tess and Tanner).  We were happy 1. to be out of the car and 2. have something to do...okay, okay, maybe silly to normal adults, but no normal adult accompanied us.  Throughout the night, with the Disney Channel on the television, Tess and I shopped on the "Justice" website, Todd made a simulcast video on the computer, Tanner nibbled, nudged and managed to maintain his primary hobby of getting under foot and on nerves.  At breakfast Todd took upon himself to make us all waffles (shhhhh..I don't like waffles, but don't tell him), Tanner scooped fruit and Tess brought me coffee (and conned her way into a cup for herself).  We hit the road again and exploded into my parents' house as if we were shot out of a cannon.  Jeremy and Todd talked Wrestlemania and stars from Jeremy's childhood in WWF, Tori turned Tess from a 10 year old, into a 18 year old, Tanner helped Tess wash her face.  At 88 and 86 years old, I would say that the Honeymooners took it rather well.

AND THEN -

The trio clambered into the car...off to Madison Square Garden.  I had driven in and out, around New York for 1,000,000 years, so we managed to get there without incident and park right in MSG's parking lot a few feet from the main entrance.  (Yes, I made a reservation in advance)

Our seats were phenomenal!  Tanner slipped in first, then Tess, next Todd and I was on the aisle.  I could see the whites of the performers' eyes without my glasses and I am seriously near-sighted.  The choreography, effects, personalities, energy in the Garden enveloped us and we were swept into the fun frenzy of the evening!  I noticed how times have changed  I can remember bringing my children into Madison Square Garden for events and purchasing battery operated "Circus Lights" to twirl light with the crowd.  At one point, the announcer said, "Light the light for...."  (whomever).  Todd screeched and grabbed my cell phone:  "Meme!  Quick!  Give me your phone!"  He slid and pushed on the screen along with the crowd, he waved a light/flashlight!  I looked across the Garden and saw a sea of twinkling cell phone lights!

Hulk Hogan, the ultimate showman, embraced the entire crowd.  He was gracious, endearing (always was).  The tribute to him left no dry eye.  As he exited the ring and passed us, Todd yelled out:  "HULKSTER"  standing on his seat, striking the typical pose that Hogan usually does.  Hulk Hogan stopped, turned, connected with Todd and gave him the pose/point right back!  I honestly thought that Todd would stop breathing!  He began screaming:  "Meme!  He knows me!  Hulk Hogan knows me!"
Awesome man that Mr. Hogan, in my opinion.

We lingered in the parking garage.  But, remember this was "VIP", reservation area Well, I hung back because I saw some impressive SUV's parked near the cashier's booth.  Equipment trucks were at the "stage door" and it was securely blocked from the public. I observed that passenger vehicles were not there.  The boys were perched on a barricade, so to speak.  Of course, we were told that they should get down.  (Maybe next month)  Suddenly, some of the performers, their handlers, and you guessed it,.. the Hulkster walked past us to get into those vehicles.  Tanner reached out and touched Roman Raines (I believe) who smiled and said: "Hey there pal".  Hulk Hogan winked at Todd and said, "Hey Bud, be careful there!"  Tess quickly said: "Wait until I tell Lila (frenemy) at school), that Todd and Hulk Hogan are friends and that we spent time in New York with him."  Not untrue totally, and Lila is a snit.  Todd at that point practically did go into cardiac arrest, he was so overwhelmed!

LATER -

As we sat in the Tick Tock Diner, back in Jersey afterwards for a snack, the Triple T rehashed the evening, embellishing where they could, my mind was spinning: trip through Ohio, Pennsylvania, Jersey, to New York - $450.  VIP, Reservation parking: $65 plus tip.  Tickets for a memorable show- $592.  Sitting in the diner (where I sat late night after dates for years and years before) and seeing Todd's face still lit up and those blue, blue eyes sparkling and dancing as he said:  "Meme!  Thank you!  Thank you!  I'll never forget this night!  You are the best grandmother ever!.  This was the best trip and best night of my life!  Right?"  (Deferring to Tess and Tanner, who agreed wholeheartedly) ...PRICELESS!  I was so happy that I decided that with Todd, Tess and Tanner to hit the ROAD (THROUGH OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, NEW JERSEY, INTO NEW YORK) TO WRESTLEMANIA!

DIZZY DIAL SPINNING

It is no secret that I am not exactly a baby.  Chronologically speaking, smartie pants!  I have always been able to drive any automobile planted on this fabulous planet of ours!  I borrowed Skip's souped up Charger to do my practice teaching roughly 100 years ago.  Never having a car of my own until I began teaching, I could handle Dad's Chevelle ('66) and Maverick ('70).  My cousins taught me how do drive in a '68 Impala (too big, thanks) and a something of other Covair (yes, perfect size).  I could handle my cousin's Gremlin that ran on 3 of 4 cylinders.  I can't say that I was particularly skilled, but I could handle Steve's old, old, black Impala.  Time passed...

In the Dark Ages, I signed a contract to teach in Wayne, New Jersey!  At 11 A.M., Mr. Van Dyken, the principal, welcomed me aboard.  At 1 P.M., that day, Dad and I were sitting in "Wayne Ford"...a dealership for my own car!  YES!!!  Grandpa Scillieri (aka, Ralph the Barber) had money for his grandchildren set aside.  There was the deposit!  My father lost his marbles because I was so anxious, I really wouldn't let him negotiate a good price.  No worries!!!   I had my very own, brand new, 0 miles on it, 1971 white with black vinyl roof Ford Pinto!!!!I was on fire!

In '72, Ann Banks ran a stop sign and in spite of major body surgery on my wheels, the passenger seat remained a little crooked.  By the time my son was born during the Blizzard of '78, my Pinto was a little saggy.  I held wires for the heater together with a cable stitch holder that I procured from my knitting supplies.  But, she was still mine, all mine!  The day that we sold it (or possibly paid some nice people to take it ), I crumpled up in the  driveway and cried.  Steve bought a Ford Fairmont station wagon for our new growing family.  I could handle it, but I could have lived with or without it... (okay, hitchhiking with two little children would have been a chore).  Next was a garbage can grey Audi.  Within nine months, it went back to the dealership thirteen times.  It was after that, Lemon Laws were invented.  We began a string of Mercedes...no complaint.  Ron negotiated a Malibu here in Ohio for me.  Nick, my son, drives it now.  I purchased a brand new Mazda 3 two years ago.  Read about its fate in my blog, INTO THE WOODS, OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE.  I began to think that I really didn't want to drive a motor vehicle again.  My "ride" about which Steve often teases really keeps me out of trouble.  But, riding a broomstick to St. Albert's is not realistic.

So, a few weeks ago, I gathered my nerve, in spite of the fact that I wanted a friend to do test driving for me at dealerships, and purchased a 2015 Chrysler 200.  Here's the glitch...  The whole contraption is loaded with buttons and dials.  There is even a weird shaped button for the emergency brake.  One can "remote" start, but to actually drive, press a button with a foot in a certain position on the brake pedal.  On a console, that the Jetsons installed before Dave earned his commission, one will find:  a dial for the radio, a dial for climate, a dial for gears, a dial to dial activation of dials!  There is a snappy screen in the what would have been known as a dashboard in another century.  Now that houses a back-up camera (now I see you Ms. Nosey with your dog),  a GPS, touch screen in case you miss a dial for the same features mentioned.  On the steering wheel, I can do everything including phone the White House...I know, I know...WHY?

Well, I tried to start the car and was rudely reminded by the gnome living inside of a dial to place my foot on the brake, press the correct control.  I turned down the radio by activating air-conditioning (it was seven degrees outside at the time).  I adjusted the "climate" by nearly throwing the thing into neutral.  The radio blasted and took out 45% of my hearing when I tried to put the thing in "drive."  I answered the phone by setting cruise control (which I never, ever would use, even if I aimed for it) and the wipers would up as blue tooth.  I adjusted wipers by the mirror control!  In other words...when I get into that car, I am a stranger in a strange dimension - just DIZZY DIAL SPINNING!

INTO THE WOODS NEAR THE RAINBOW BRIDGE

"Ms. Macy, when you are ready, you can pick up the final remains, you poor dear, but be thankful that the children and you are unharmed." I wore black, tried to keep up a Christmas spirit, attempting to sing along with carols blasting a rental car's radio. I was too nervous, numb to drive. An old faithful friend drove me to Rutherford's Auto Body Shop in Pickerington, Ohio. That was where I would say farewell to a reliable, faithful friend...my car. Upon our arrival, I was handed a bag in which I could finish clearing what I had left before the tow truck came to the Zanesville driveway. Garage door opener and ice scraper (like I had a car, never mind a windshield at this point). I sat in the car to remove a small broom riding witch from the rear view mirror. As I clung to her, I began to apologize to her, to the car, to the deer. My friend, most likely with a crowbar, eased me out of the corpse, mostly carrying me back to the shop's office. I was handed a box of tissues by the kind receptionist as a technician handed me my license plates! I was then inconsolable. Let me explain: At about 6 P.M. on December 3, my grandchildren Tess (10, Tanner (7) and I set out to go to gymnastics. Todd, their brother, eleven years old, chose to remain at home with his Mom, my daughter. So, singing Christmas carols, we drove my 2012 Mazda 3 along South River Road in Zanesville, Ohio. The four lane road parallels a river. We were on the far side, fourth lane from the river. Suddenly, "on the fourth day of Christmas" there was a thud, a severe push to the side of the road, glass, airbags commandeered the car! Tanner, riding behind me, began screaming and crying...his airbag began pushing him to the other side of the car. "Tanner, try to undo the seat belt and scoot behind Tess (riding next to me - "shot gun") Hurry, something is wrong!" Tess, the swiftest of us: "Meme! (may-may) are you okay? Call 9-1-1!" I hadn't a clue what had happened. My driver's side air bag deployed, glass was everywhere from the driver's side windows! As I turned off the engine, at the side of the road, I looked out of my windshield to see a white mist, a white fog in the loose shape of a deer! The spirit arched over my hood and dissolved! There was nothing. "Tess! Did you see that?" Crying, both children responded that the ghost of a deer was there and gone! A State Trooper recommended that I pull my car into a nearby side street. The driver's side of the car was terribly damaged. My door couldn't open, so I crawled across the car to exit. We were all unharmed. I was not scratched, cut, however, my seat was loaded with glass! The entire side no longer existed, really and there was not much left of the driver's front fender, headlight, part of the hood either. There was some fur wedged into a crevice though. A sweet woman walked over to me with a big black "thing" slung over her shoulder. "Hey M'am, where do you want your wheel well cover?" Dazed, I responded, "How about the trunk?" My son-in-law arrived with my daughter. He,trying to be helpful said: "Laura, you just can't see deer at night, you know. Hunting season has just begun and deer are running will-nilly." Gee, that made me feel better...NOT! I began to complain to the Trooper that since the deer didn't have insurance and since that poor creature was running from the river for his life, hunters should learn to go food shopping in stores and leave the deer alone! This is 2014, not pioneer days! My son-in-law assured me that he has had two deer crashes himself! Swell. My daughter, not so understanding. She began berating me for not being alert to have seen it coming, she didn't want the car returned to her driveway, that since I was a ninny, to just go home! Double swell. Tess spoke up and told her: "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! MEME DIDN'T AIM FOR A DEER! SHE USED TO WORK AT THE ZOO AND LOVES ANIMALS! TWO DEER LIVE IN HER YARD!" Tanner, still sobbing, told her: "Hey Mom! I was looking out of my window to try to see the river and I didn't see the deer! He hit my side of the car and I didn't see him!" The Trooper looked at this collection of crazies and was extremely sorry that he didn't call in sick that evening. MY son-in-law insisted that my daughter be quiet, that we bring the car back to the house. I asked the Trooper if I could drive it 132 miles back to Kettering. He guaranteed me that: 1. it wouldn't make it - it barely turned the corner to park out of traffic; 2. illegal to drive without two headlights; 3. no visibility with airbags inflated; 4. I would freeze without windows. The scenario sounded rather bleak! Since we were only 1/4 mile from the house, my son-in-law said that he would drive the car back and I could drive his. Knowing that I would never drive again if I didn't put on my big girl panties and get behind the ailing car's wheel, I insisted that I take it back. As Mazda and I limped along, I stopped! My son-in-law, got out of his car, behind me, and approached: "Why are you stopping, here in the middle of the road?" As if he landed from Mars, I responded: "Look! All across the road, there is such a mess...the deer must be splattered all over!" He stood there, shook his head and said: "There is nothing! Drive on, or let me get in front of you and you take my car with the children." Hmmmm....strange. The Mazda and I continued. My daughter's nasty was still raging. I ignored her. Todd ran to me: "Meme! Are you okay?" I assured him that I was "righter than rain". He then replied: "Oh boy! I miss all the good stuff! I shoulda gone to watch those two flip out and around! I could have seen it all and not gone to gymnastics after all!" Ah, to be eleven! We are aware of "The Rainbow Bridge" where our pets wait to play with us again. After watching the spirit of the deer rise, I know that those poor beautiful creatures who meet accidental, untimely ends, through no fault of their own, play, forage, wait for their families if you go INTO THE WOODS NEAR THE RAINBOW BRIDGE.

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! (Or Not)

There are two things that I must have to jump start my day. Well, actually, just to start my day, jumping or not...COFFEE and THE DAILY NEWSPAPER! I know, I know, there are at least 1,000,000 News Programs on the television. The ultimate morning entails sipping coffee, reading the paper with The Today Show tickling the background! Now, that is luxury living at its finest! BUT... This morning, the Newspaper was not at my door! Crushed, saddened, confused, I phoned the Newspaper Customer Disservice Office. I was told that someone or other would be dispatched to "redeliver" the paper within ninety minutes! If the newspaper didn't stagger to my door, be sure to phone before 10 A.M. to speak with Ms. Representative again. Well, I didn't want to argue, but how can a paper be redelivered, if it was never delivered in the first place? But, I did bite my tongue and refrained from my smartie-aleckie response. SO... I drained the coffee pot while watching the clock. At 9:50...no paper! At 9:53, I phoned Customer Disservice of the Dayton Daily News again. I was connected to an automated, press 1, press 3, press 2, spin around three times, press 7, spit, press 1 again system to file a complaint. Well, now what? I've callused my fingertips, gotten a headache from prompts and I still had no paper and no response! My grouchometer was elevated too! WHAT THE CARELESS NEWSPAPER DON'T REALIZE: Not only did I pay for this misery, but, I am now in a dark vacuum for the day, unless I actually shower, apply make-up, do my hair, dress, fire up my "ride" and go to a newsstand. The vital sections of the paper are like mother's milk to me! Take the Horoscopes for instance...now should I read my own Tarot Cards? Too boost my intelligence morale, how about the Word Jumble, the Word Scramble or the challenge of the Crossword Puzzle? The funnies - Life in Sketches! How can I check up on my parents without "The Lockhorns" or "Blondie"? My son - "Funky Winklebean" alternating with "Hagar Che Horrible". My three grandchildren are "Peanuts" if nothing else: Todd - Charlie Brown; Tess - Lucy; Tanner - Linus. My daughter is in the center ring of "The Family Circus"! What will I do for self affirmation that life is just dandy compared to the whiners who write to "Dear Abby"? Heloise has saved so many items of clothing sporting stains and how about that closet organization! What is opening in the Movies this weekend, or are the TV listings better? The Sports section has protected my work area from messes that are the by-products of my art projects. I can check the Business Section's Dow Jones to see if I have to go shopping to boost the economy of this great Nation of ours! See what I mean? I NEED THE NEWSPAPER! It is hereditary, you know: My grandfather loved to read the Obituaries to gloat - he was sipping his coffee reading about some peers of his who were listed, if you know what I mean. My mother can do a crossword puzzle in a flash, before most people can read the hints across and down. She also analyzes the Bridge strategy of legendary card players on the same page. My father is a headline hound, I think to boast to Mom that he's pretty smart after all (she doubts that very much). And, finished with today's paper? I can make you a paper mache piggy bank! WELL... My shower is water has warmed. Time to put myself together and go to the Newsstand because I have Home Delivery (not) of the Dayton Daily News and I want to READ ALL ABOUT IT!

FISH WHISPERER

As my children grew up, as with many of us, goldfish were the classic pets. My daughter had a pink and white one that we named: "Fish Cake" during the "Strawberry Shortcake" days. When Tiffany was about three or four years old, Fish Cake took up residence in a bowl in Tiff's room. That finned friend lived for about eleven years! No joke! She was an amazing fish! Fish Cake grew and grew. We always accomodated her with larger and larger bowls. She recognized Tiffany, or her "vibration" as she entered her room. Full of personality, Fish Cake would dance with her nose to the water line and tail fin down nibbling food from Tiffany's fingers. Fish Cake grew so old that her scales were rather funky and sort of falling off! I was grateful for her authentic longevity because her coloring was so unique... And... Nick and Tiff had assorted gold fish over the years. When the children were little, I didn't want to clutter up their happy world with the concept of death. So, when a fish was found floating on its side, I would say that the next day, I would take the ailing fish to "Dr. Mackerel", the vet who specialized in fish, to cure him/her. I would drop brother and sister at school, or my Mom's, head to a pet store and replace the expired critter with the same looking fish! The fish were "cured" and frisky! Everyone was happy! I will add, that when Tiffany was fourteen or fifteen years old, neither she, nor her brother, Nick, were still on board with the whole "Dr. Mackerel" story, so we did have proper services for such an fish with amazing longevity! She, I am sure is waiting for Tiff, swimming in the Sunshine Brook, beneath The Rainbow Bridge! Time passed, as it always does... Now, the Trio, my grandchildren, Todd, 11; Tess, 9; Tanner, 7 have goldfish, well, and minnows. You might be aware that the rock group: "Chubby and The Minnows" have an extended booking at my house. Tess' Chubby is a huge goldfish in an aquarium and Tanner acquired minnows. The minnows occupy a bowl in his room at my house. Todd's goldfish, "Figaro" had taken up residence in a huge crystal snifter with floating candles in my dining room. Figaro has been decorating my dining room for well over a year or so. Two evenings ago, I did a "head count", and "bed and bowl" check. I found Figaro moving his mouth, but floating on his side. He seemed to be looking at me, trying to plead his case not to count him out, but to help him. Figaro, between you and me, could be replaceable...shhh! But, where there is life, there is hope. So, I filled another bowl with fresh, clean water and moved Figaro into it. I emptied, cleaned refilled the snifter and left it waiting for us. Figaro didn't try to escape the net...a concerning sign! After I placed him in my watery doctor's office, I righted him. He tried to swim, but couldn't maintain his balance. For an hour and a half, I coaxed Figaro by gently nudging him upright and softly talking and encouraging him. I would give a tiny push to have him try to swim forward and then support the "down" side. He kept wobbling and trying. I continued to softly talk and gently nudge. I decided to try to put him back in his snifter. He didn't run from the net. Not a good sign. But, once I released him in his home snifter, he seemed to stay erect for a little longer than before! Another hour of encouraging him to try and boosting as he needed it, Figaro seemed to be rallying! I napped for about an hour or two. With dread, I returned to the snifter. Figaro was chipper, swimming quickly around his home, approached the side where I stood, moved his mouth emphatically! Did he thank me or was he demanding to know when room service would be bringing his breakfast? Figaro gobbled his breakfast with loud lip smacking! As I type, I am watching his antics. I have no idea what happened. I have no idea how Figaro was cured. Gentle nudging and soft words are the only prescriptions that I can recommend as, what this Grandmother has become, THE FISH WHISPERER!

LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? SHHH!!! (or...There's Nothing New Under The Sun!")

My mother told me that there is nothing new under the sun. She more or less meant that history repeats itself in one way or another. Typical of Mom...she just might be spot on, right! When I was seventeen years old, my father was going to be admitted to a hospital for gall bladder surgery. In the "old days", a surgeon would make an incision, remove the monster affliction and stitch the patient back up. This required a hospital stay of at least a week and recovery period at home for ages. On the morning of my father's admittance into the hospital, he pulled his old, old, dark blue, wrinkled bodied Volkswagen Beetle around to the patio, behind our house in order that my Mom could pull her car in and out of the driveway to visit him. My mother was never, ever approached to teach Drivers' Education! She couldn't back up, refuses to drive on highways, won't make left turns, only parks in parking lots in "pull through" spaces and the list goes on and on. My father told me to start the car every day to keep the battery charged. It was February and he didn't want anything to "freeze". Ah-huh. He repeatedly warned me to attempt driving nowhere! I couldn't drive a "stick" and had already failed my driving test three times. I promised that I would simply turn the engine on, let run for a few minutes, turn it off and leave the stick, choke and clutch alone. So, on the following morning, I turned on the engine, thought that I could drive that bug around the backyard (huge corner acre) and return it to its secure spot on the patio! With a lurch, Blue Bug wound up straddling three steps leading up to the back porch! My Grandmother came out of the house. To say that she was shocked, momentarily speechless and upset is just not doing the poor woman justice! "Dolly Dear, what are you doing? You're going to knock down the house! You aren't supposed to drive the car! You aren't supposed to drive the car up the back steps especially! Get that off!" This was done as she continuously blessed herself and with a strong Italian accent! Ugh! "Nana, the guys at school pick this kind of car up all of the time and turn them around or move them!" I was interrupted by: "But, they don't drive them up[ steps!" I tried again: "Nan, let's just pick this thing up and we'll put it back!" Pleading ensued: "Dolly Dear! Make that car go back! Your papa is going to be mad at both of us!" Her exasperation and frustration were only topped by her reluctant and ineffective attempt at pushing, pulling, lifting with me. Realizing that the brute strength of an elderly woman and 101, 5'2" weenie was non-existent, I said, "Never mind, Nan. I'll just back up." Thinking that I could back a car, resting at a forty-five degree angle, off brick steps, I smartly put the car in reverse. I splintered a wooden picnic table, which unceremoniously crashed into the cedar shake of the house! Groaning, I slammed that Beetle into first gear and managed to stop it, just short of another trip up the stairs! Then, I was regaled with the Litany of Saints in Italian for my black, black soul and the demise of an old picnic table, benches and the rear of a house! "Nana! Stop! All we have to do is touch up the paint on the house". The house was due to be painted in the spring. It was a light grey. The "touch up paint", definitely looked way too fresh. Nana and I tried scraping loose cedar and applying paint. Oh, that looked so bad! That evening, my cousin Stephen visited along with is parents, my grandfathers, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles. The beauty of being Italian, not to sound corny..."You'll never walk alone." I convinced my cousin to sneak out of the house with a flashlight with me. We brought bleach, cleanser, steel wool, anything that we could think of to fade the grey and blend the "patch" with the house. Stephen was sworn to secrecy. After the immediate world left, I said to my Grandmother: "Hey, Nana, do you think that we could not tell Dad about his car, the steps, the patio, the picnic table, the house and the paint?" She guaranteed that she would not tell a would not tell a soul, even my Grandfather. Whew! At my twenty-sixth birthday dinner, my sister, my parents, my grandparents and I were gathered around the table. Right before my birthday cake was brought out, we were all having a lively conversation about who knows what - everything and nothing. At one point, I looked across the table at my Father and kiddling said that he really never knew what was going on in the household. I said that his cluelessness was part of his charm and that's why we loved him. He looked directly into my eyes and said: "Oh, yeah?" I assured him that if he had been so intune, he would have noticed a few extra dents in the Volkswagen nine years ago. My Grandmother gasped and threw her fingers to her lips! "Dolly Dear, be careful!" The story of the car, steps, patio, picnic table, house, painting ruse came tumbling from me. Nana exclaimed: "All these years, I never said anything! Now, told? Dad was still, silent. And then: "Is that so?" Looking at Nana: "You were in on that with her?" We all,including my ButterScotch, my cat, held our collective breath. Enlightened, he declared: "Well, you two are always in cahoots! Hey Ang! (my Mom),let's light the candles and get this show on the road." Time has passed, as it always does. Tess, my nine year old Granddaughter, called a month ago to tell me that her brother (oldest, eleven year old Todd) was in trouble and if Mom (my daughter) found out, all three (Todd, Tess, Tanner (7) children would get into trouble. I said, "Hmmmm...and this news is such a great Grandparent's Day gift Tess. What's up?" She then shrieked, "That's it! I'm cheering today. I know you couldn't come to the game because of your ankle (Broken) and all, but, you have to come to the game for Grandparents' Day! We'll do a special cheer! Todd, come here! Meme (may-may) is coming to the game, we're saved!" Call me slow, but, I still didn't know what was going on. "Wait, wait Tess, what is the Big Trouble before we get on about the Fourth Grade Football game?" Here it went: Todd, the 2014 version of "Charlie Brown", Tess (nine year old cheer/ring master) and Tanner (7 and clueless) went swimming in a friend's pool on the day before. Todd left his brand new eye glasses there. Mom has zero tolerance for irresponsibility. The Trio had to retrieve those glasses, without anyone knowing what had happened. So, after painstakingly readying myself, cushioning my leg, I made a two hour drive to Zanesville. I would "surprise" everyone by my strength, go to the football game, take a soaking at the snack bar and the Trio would jump into my car after the game and guide me to McKenna's house for the rogue glasses. Simple? When I was ten minutes from the field, my daughter phoned. Cell phones are blessings...why? "Mom! Tess told me some nonsense about Grandparents' Day and that you are coming to the game! You'll never heal! You FELL you have to heal! We need you so much to stay with the kids when we travel this year. Why are you doing this? What's wrong with you? If you are already almost here, YOU go to the game. I'm so mad that you are worse than a child! YOU need a sitter! I can't believe...Tess! You wait here for Meme! She can go to the game. Tanner! Get Meme a chair. She needs a psychiatrist, but a chair will do! Mom, you fell! You're hurt! This is serious! What are you..." I pulled into the driveway, as I slowed down, kids, chairs, literally jumped into the car! Tess: "I'm sorry you got in trouble, Meme!" Like bandits plotting to hold up the next train heading West, we giggled and laughed as I zoomed to the football field. We were on pins and needles for that game to end! I seriously wondered of Todd was a techno-geek enough to rig that digital scoreboard to cut out some of the time! Finally, the last whistle, horn, whatever blew! Three different directions to one house, minutes later, we roared into McKenna's driveway. Tess jumped out of the car before I had it in "Park" and raced up the front stairs. McKenna's Mom answered the door and said: "Oh, Tess! McKenna must have told you we are having a lazy day at home. She said that you phoned whispering about something. I have Todd's glasses. I was just about to phone your Mom to tell her that they are safely here!" Tess screeched: "Don't tell Mom! There's Meme in the car. She wanted to say HI and pick up the glasses for us!" Wave, wave, smile, smile, see you next trip to Zanesville, sure, we'll do lunch. Tess jumped back into the car and off we went with Todd sporting his glasses. The children eventually were home, all snug in their beds, with visions of naughty Meme dancing/limping in their heads. For about twenty minutes, as I drove back to Kettering, Mom yelled and blathered; said that she guessed that I should have stayed the night, etc. Finally, I said: "What? What? I must be riding in a black hole! I can't hear you!" Disconnect. Nana, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? You kept my secret. I think it best that you come with me to Tess' twenty-sixth birthday dinner and please, please, help me keep a secret, because there truly is nothing new under the sun!