EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! (Or Not)

There are two things that I must have to jump start my day. Well, actually, just to start my day, jumping or not...COFFEE and THE DAILY NEWSPAPER! I know, I know, there are at least 1,000,000 News Programs on the television. The ultimate morning entails sipping coffee, reading the paper with The Today Show tickling the background! Now, that is luxury living at its finest! BUT... This morning, the Newspaper was not at my door! Crushed, saddened, confused, I phoned the Newspaper Customer Disservice Office. I was told that someone or other would be dispatched to "redeliver" the paper within ninety minutes! If the newspaper didn't stagger to my door, be sure to phone before 10 A.M. to speak with Ms. Representative again. Well, I didn't want to argue, but how can a paper be redelivered, if it was never delivered in the first place? But, I did bite my tongue and refrained from my smartie-aleckie response. SO... I drained the coffee pot while watching the clock. At 9:50...no paper! At 9:53, I phoned Customer Disservice of the Dayton Daily News again. I was connected to an automated, press 1, press 3, press 2, spin around three times, press 7, spit, press 1 again system to file a complaint. Well, now what? I've callused my fingertips, gotten a headache from prompts and I still had no paper and no response! My grouchometer was elevated too! WHAT THE CARELESS NEWSPAPER DON'T REALIZE: Not only did I pay for this misery, but, I am now in a dark vacuum for the day, unless I actually shower, apply make-up, do my hair, dress, fire up my "ride" and go to a newsstand. The vital sections of the paper are like mother's milk to me! Take the Horoscopes for instance...now should I read my own Tarot Cards? Too boost my intelligence morale, how about the Word Jumble, the Word Scramble or the challenge of the Crossword Puzzle? The funnies - Life in Sketches! How can I check up on my parents without "The Lockhorns" or "Blondie"? My son - "Funky Winklebean" alternating with "Hagar Che Horrible". My three grandchildren are "Peanuts" if nothing else: Todd - Charlie Brown; Tess - Lucy; Tanner - Linus. My daughter is in the center ring of "The Family Circus"! What will I do for self affirmation that life is just dandy compared to the whiners who write to "Dear Abby"? Heloise has saved so many items of clothing sporting stains and how about that closet organization! What is opening in the Movies this weekend, or are the TV listings better? The Sports section has protected my work area from messes that are the by-products of my art projects. I can check the Business Section's Dow Jones to see if I have to go shopping to boost the economy of this great Nation of ours! See what I mean? I NEED THE NEWSPAPER! It is hereditary, you know: My grandfather loved to read the Obituaries to gloat - he was sipping his coffee reading about some peers of his who were listed, if you know what I mean. My mother can do a crossword puzzle in a flash, before most people can read the hints across and down. She also analyzes the Bridge strategy of legendary card players on the same page. My father is a headline hound, I think to boast to Mom that he's pretty smart after all (she doubts that very much). And, finished with today's paper? I can make you a paper mache piggy bank! WELL... My shower is water has warmed. Time to put myself together and go to the Newsstand because I have Home Delivery (not) of the Dayton Daily News and I want to READ ALL ABOUT IT!