I am a Baby Boomer. I am a divorced Baby Boomer. I am a divorced Baby Boomer Grandparent. My social circle is comprised of Baby Boomers who are either divorced, widowed, married, yet mostly grandparents. There are, by the way about 76 million Baby Boomers out there. We talk about music, movies, our parents (sorry Mom and Dad, but we do), our lawns, our condo associations, our cars, possibly Viet Nam, fundraisers, Church, history, our Alma Maters/degrees (I know, I know, I do what most consider hobbies), taxes, the "Market", latest clothing trends (got 'em), latest electronic trends (can't get 'em) and over coffee, a glass of wine, possibly a beer...our children/our grandchildren.
We grew up in an era of "responsibility". Yes, we enjoyed the activities, the "craziness" of teenage years, sports, dancing schools, band trips, shenanigans during lunch, study, trying to "cut" school, "everyone else is doing it..." But, most of our Dads earned the family's income out of the home and our Moms ran the "castle" so to speak. We learned respect, accountability. We were educated (not always loving it, I know), getting in "trouble" in school was not the best choice, because at home you'd be in "bigger trouble." We were taught that the purpose of an education was to obtain a "good JOB". Many worked for the "extras", put our own gas in our "jalopies" that we worked on for years until we could drive. I, personally, danced with Billy (another Blog) to win record albums in contests. There was not extra money for some things like records, or some of the craft/art supplies that I craved. Things were moderate, measured. There were family vacations that we didn't want to end at the beach or a lake.
Of course, in high school, there were incidents like smoking in the boys' room", drinking behind the Junior High on Friday nights, or even an occasional cherry bomb in the toilet in the boys' room. But, by college, or in the military, we still had fun, humor, pranks, but we became adults with responsibility and to sound repetitive , respect. Respect for authority, for parents, for family, for God, Country. We marched into the Viet Nam Was, some pro, some con. We fought or demonstrated. We were treated shabbily upon the return home, but we maintained our dignity remaining strong, proud, moral. The Boomers bridged war, technology, radical social, economic changes, but we vowed to make the world better, easier for our children.
What happened?
Many of the Boomers' children are productive, successful, happy. However, I find that the majority of Boomers with whom I have come in contact, wonder "What happened? Where did we go wrong?" What is the common denominator that drove boomers into the despair and statistic of approximately 2 1/2 million of us raising our grandchildren? The number increases by at least 1 million of those assuming more parental responsibility. As we grew up, we visited our grandparents. Perhaps there was a standing "Sunday Dinner" weekly. We spent holidays, overnight was a treat. They attended our Dance Recitals, our Graduations, Birthday dinners, occasionally baby-sat. But, the vast majority of our parents raised us, taught us, aged because of us.
I am led to believe that we may have, in our drive to make things easier for our children, to let them grow as expressive individuals, be exposed to "everything" such as music, culture, art, upscale organized sports, while striving to remain youthful and "cool" ourselves, we just may have cultivated a collection of miserable, unhappy, unproductive, over exposed, problem ridden young adults. Many of the young men have problems with drugs, alcohol, work ethics. Our daughters are out of control. They are equipped with their degrees, yet bottles of Vodka. Picking up the slack for our children, as we have always done, we Boomers, now are going to school meetings, arranging lessons, seeing to homework/education, clothing feeding and in some cases, becoming their sports coaches or the "backstage" mothers at dance recitals. We are Santa Clauses, Easter Bunnies, we ride the Carousel and the Train. We are pushing swings, bouncing up and down on teeter-totters. We're doing it all over again. Our children are selfish. We taught them to expect the world given to them, not earned. We tried and tried to be so generous, understanding, to participate and be the "go to" parent, that we forgot that they must learn to sustain themselves and continue life.
There was an old saying: "A good parent gives their children Roots and Wings. Roots so that they have a solid anchor and know that they are loved and accepted; Wings in order that they fly and thrive."
Some of us, Boomers, have strangled our children with roots that now bind us as well. We didn't get the "wing" thing down.
Our conversations among ourselves include statements like: "Do you have the children this weekend? OR "I'm taking my daughter to outpatient counseling...she was discharged from de-tox." OR "I have new outfits for the girls' school pictures, Mom's still in the psych ward" OR "My daughter hates me. I have spent nothing but time and money on her...gotta run and pick up the kids from school!" OR "I kept the boys while my husband went to that place, just in time before the drug raid mentioned in the paper, looking for her." How many homes have become multi-generational, or how many of our new cars have racked up 7,000 miles in three weeks?
Though we compare notes, help each other out, arrange play dates, struggle through another round of child raising, we would not ever, ever drop the ball. NEVER. The Boomers are paying the piper for trying to be good, involved, interesting parents, thereby encouraging our children to play too hard. Our hearts are with our Grandchildren. None of us would trade the responsibility, the love, the little voices when they say: "Meme (may-may), O Pa, Grandma, Pop-Pop, Nannie, Granny, Grandma, Grandpa, you are the only one that I can trust! I love you!"
So, Boomers, we have a chance for redemption. A "do-over" with our Grandchildren. (I pray that we don't make the same mistakes, if we only knew what exactly they were) We love them more than ourselves or our lives. It's said that people live longer now than ever before! It's a good thing, because we have a crop of children to give roots and wings. Let's get it right!
I ask you, Boomers, were we so good that it's no good?
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