FASHIONISTA

I love clothes!  I have always been known for vast wardrobes with coordinating accessories.  I can be classic, cocktail dressy, special occasion dressy, casual, upscale casual, affluent snob, weekend play,  black tie formal, ball formal and even as Darla Darling, The Domestic Diva, I can do all of that in polka dots.

I especially enjoy my formal wear.  I have ball gowns and good old fashioned, classic formal "black tie" get ups!  My collection is so vast, but even after an invitation to a Black Tie in Cincinnati, I did, in good faith comb the boutiques and really found nothing like my Nieman Marcus find designer black formal.  The gown still slides sveltly over the last of the "Ohio Five" (ugh, of the original ten pounds that I can't shake...gained after I moved to Ohio...gotta get back to Jersey...another story for another time).  The piece features a high halter-ish neck and shoulder look.  The bodice is smartly beaded with black beads subtly set in black embroidered areas.  From the high waist to the ground is a solid black, free falling, flattering, straight skirt .  With black panty hose and strappy closed toe and heal black silk stilettos and a black beaded evening bag, not to brag, I look great!

BUT

I neglected to mention that from that high neck to the top of the waist, in the back are 1,000,000 straps attached from neck to waist.  From under the left arm, to the waist, there is a delicate zipper.  Ah-huh.  For forty-eight hours before an event to which I will wear this number, strategy is of the utmost importance.  I live alone with my cat.  Priscilla is bright, pretty, in tune with me, but as a dresser...not so much.  First there has to be a war table where seated is a platoon of Fashionistas set up with charts and plots for strategy to master which strap should be where in order that my head be on top and my arms to my sides with, as you can imagine, the front beading in the front and those back straps in the back!  Required, prior to even touching the garment, are blueprints, written and illustrated directions, a training video and live demonstration. 

SO

I showered using "Organza" shower gel, shaved smoothly.  "Organza" lotion was massaged into every pore.  "Organza"  perfume was dotted in all of the "right" places.  Evening make-up done to perfection.  My hair was sleek.  No "Spanks" - thank goodness! Perfect panty hose... next.

AND THEN

A friend had to stand on a chair, doing the best octopus impersonation ever to hold all straps in just the right places as the gown was slipped over my head, brought down, lining all smoothly on me, while straightening and arranging straps.  That required delicate, gentle handling.  It worked!  All body parts were just where I was supposed to be!  The tricky part was a little surprising.  The tiny zipper was very uncooperative.  By pulling down and up strongly while my are was above my head, we struggled, worked up a mini perspiration incident and with pliers, got that weenie zipper up!   After donning an evening bolero jacket in the same fabric with no collar, but high neck in the back, I was ready to rock!

The evening was fun.  I entertained the table with my GUIDE  FOR AFFLUENT MEN, DIVORCING and assorted jokes, riddles and funny stories.  Chatter about a few books, the ballet, and theatre, I glided through the event with my "grown up" persona.

I returned home after midnight.  Evidently, my delusional mind led me to believe that all I had to do was reach around, unzip and somehow navigate my way out of the tangle of straps.  That should have not been a problem because I thought, who would care how the straps fell when taking off the mass of confusion?  Priscilla must have had a premonition that this would not go well.  She disappeared into the abyss known as "under the bed".  I reached around, began to unzip...STUCK!  I couldn't see under my arm to "UN STICK" the zipper from whatever was annoying it!  I pulled the zipper up again, couldn't get it down at all!  I couldn't pull the gown over my head without loosening any of the rigging.  NOW WHAT?

At "0:dark:30", closer to Sunday School Standard Time, than to the Saturday Evening Bash, I opted for "phone a friend".  (That maneuver will not be in the HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE book, by the way.)  After an hour of an uncooperative zipper - not moving, even with pliers, grunts and threats and a ten minute "Let's think about this" break, we decided that the trusty "seam ripper" had to be found.  Deftly, delicately, carefully, tiny stitches on one side of the zipper were removed.  After another forty-five minutes, deftly, delicately, carefully, tiny stitches on the other side of the zipper were removed.

Like an overblown balloon, I was exhilarated, liberated and felt airborne!  The freedom flight resulted in a sight similar to a back full of linguine.  As if we were playing "Pick-Up Sticks", the straps had to be moved and sorted to release my head and neck allowing me to breathe.  Then my arms were freed by sunrise!

My gown is dangling from a hanger, with the unrecognizable zipper tossed over it.  I can't find one shoe.  Having had a rough encounter with the pliers (we won't even discuss that) the panty hose are trashed. My friend has a new unlisted number.  Priscilla finally emerged from the abyss, but she is giggling.  On top of a pile of mail is, you guessed it...an invitation to a Black Tie Formal Event!

This Fashionista must go shopping for an outfit that is  not sooooooooo exhausting!  I'm just too weak!