Faux Ami. A person who you learn is not your friend afterall. It happens. I would rather have someone say directly and honestly, "Don't call me; I'll call you...NEVER!" than play all sorts of excuse games. Direct honesty might smart and sting, but the sensation of rejection passes and we can all move along happily. I usually brag, if you will, that I have a sense of humor, so I can have a little fun with the phone challenged and the Faux Ami finally making a break from me.
Let me explain:
For years, Faux Ami and I were Vrai Amis, or so I thought. She helped my daughter move twice, baby sat the trio once, helped with my daughter's second wedding and sat in a court room with her at the end of that road one day. I helped with her wedding, helped with her daughter's wedding, painted murals, sewed poet shirts for groomsmen, hand beaded parts of the wedding dress, spent nearly a month picking up, playing with, etc her granddaughter. We didn't keep score, really. Vrai Amis don't do that. A recommendation was needed for a job. I wrote it. Explanation of employment or lack there of for her daughter's benefit. I wrote it and delivered it immediately. In order to write, deliver, help, make plans, phone calls were made. The spoken word made necessities, requests, emergencies clear. One does not know why a person is phoning, until he/she answers the phone.
Time passed:
For months, I would call and get Faux Ami's voice mail. I recorded so often, that I just might go platinum by the end of the year. I would text. After a day or two after my messages were left, I would receive lame texts, fewer, but lamer calls: "My phone was dead; I couldn't find my phone; my phone was in the bottom of my purse, at the bottom of the stairs; I was asleep; I was in the shower; I was outside, the phone inside; I was in the car with my sister; I was talking on my phone; my phone is wonkie..." This went on for months and months, as I have said.
One day, I knew that I really needed just one hour of her time. Just one hour and it was excruciatingly important. About two days before I tried to phone...voicemail (I expected that); the next day, I tried to phone...voicemail (surprise?). The day after I really, really needed just one hour, I received a text with yet another lame excuse. I waved my white surrender flag... I apologized for bothering her and admitted defeat.
Days later, a friend told me that he ran into Faux Ami who said that she thought that I'm annoyed. How old are we? Deal directly, yes? She went on to say that she doesn't answer the phone when I call because she is "not a phone person". I respect that. No chit-chat, no stories, no entertainment. Valid.
But...
What about an emergency? What about an invitation? A question? If Faux Ami does not answer, how does she know the reason of the call? Of course, we know that it is MY number/call that will not be answered, so emergencies, invitations, questions are not issues.
However, for those of you who are not on her "no phone" list, I advise: Faux Ami is not a "phone person", so in case of emergency: SEND SMOKE SIGNALS!!!
Laura Macy Author & Actress
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
FINE FEATHERED FREELOADING FRIENDS (or One Tough Crowd)
One afternoon, I was embroidering and sipping some Vanilla Chai Tea. My reverie was shattered by my phone's Pirate Jig ringtone. All three grandchildren - Todd, 10; tess, 9; Tanner, 6 happened to be on three separate extentions, screeching, giggling all at once. The gist of the episode was a chorus of "Hey Meme!" (That's may-may) "Quick! Turn on the television! We need the "I Spy Birdhouse"! And, if you order right now, we can get a free bird feeder with it and a laser level!" I tried asking what channel...another sales pitch in three part harmony. I tried asking if they could jot down a phone number since this treasure was available only "as seen on TV" The response was from Tanner: "What's a level?" I asked if there was a web site. Tess told Tanner that if he didn't know what a level was, he couldn't use it when it came. I asked if there was an address. Todd told Tess to stop and get to the business of buying the contraption. In other words, I had three enthusiastic consumers leaving me to figure it all out and of course, pay for it. After a little of the frenzy died down, I said that I would check it out and have my fingers do the surfing on my keyboard. Tess reminded me that the "I Spy Birdhouse" had to be shipped to my house. Mommy would have a conniption if they tried hanging it on any window at their house. Of course.
I found the "I Spy Birdhouse", ordered the complete ensemble of house, feeder and level. One day, during a visit, while the Trio and I were finishing lunch, there was a knock at the door. A package was delivered! There is little more thrilling for children than to receive a package. The Trio tore into the box as if Christmas was suddenly declared. We gathered around a table and as Tess read directions, Todd and Tanner engineered the new construction. After Tess finished reading the directions and we had an assortment of extra pieces. I re-read the directions as Tess dissembled the boys' work and Todd tried to put it together again. The key to this is that the house has suction cups to hold it on the outside of a window and a one-way mirror film hangs inside of the window. Birds are supposed to think that it is a private nook with a dark, solid back, which is actually the wall through which we can "spy" and see nest building, etc. We took a step ladder out of the garage, tried it on for size and it was declared that Meme was the only one tall enough to stand on the ladder and reach one of the window panes targeted for the new house. Yes, in the front dining room window. With Tess holding the house and the boys steadying the ladder (ah-ha, yeah, that's the ticket - steadying) I climbed up, took the house from Tess and attached our new "I Spy Birdhouse" to the house window. We returned inside to assemble the bird feeder. Problems? Yep! Nothing is simple. The suction cup couldn't negotiate the sphere shape of the feeder to attach to the window. So, I rigged wire going through it and attached it onto a rather tall rhododendron that brushes the targeted window. Upon our return inside, Tanner picked up the level and asked what to do with it! I told the children that we were supposed to use it to be sure that we hung the house straight. Todd just looked at me and said, "Hey, Meme! We're professionals. We eye-balled it!" We filled the feeder with crushed saltines, having no bird seed. Second to receiving a package, there is a rush when children can take turns smashing anything - crackers- no exception. Inside, we attached the one way mirror film. Priscilla, my cat, drew up a lease with option to buy and we scheduled an open house to encourage traffic and screen potential residents.
For days now, birds have been chowing down on my crackers like little porkers! I cannot keep the feeder full. Those feathered mooches are bellying up to the feeder, loading up and not even leaving a tip!
Late in the afternoon, early evening-ish today, I was sipping a glass of wine on the back deck. A sparrow perched itself on a wire near me, looking at me, he began to squawk! It hopped around and complained like an irate diner who in an upscale restaurant, found a mouse doing the backstroke in his soup! A cardinal joined him and began almost honking alerting his friends. After a while, I had two wires full of hostile, complaining birds, apparently misreading Priscilla's menu board as a "Customer Service" sign! I think, but I can't be sure, that those freeloaders are becoming bored with saltines and want a change in menu! Now, they are lousy tippers and have never put any cash in the donation jar! What nervve. Priscilla joined me on the deck and shared my amazement! She is not as patient as I. So, she went directly inside and raised the prices on the menu board and is now rewriting the lease to include a bigger meal plan and cleaning charges. Commercial "add-ons".
Well, Mother Nature, I do not know if running a nesting Bed and Breakfast house is truly my vocation. I am inclined to think that I am not cut out to feed the greedy hungry. At best, Priscilla and I are going to video this fiasco and possibly run it on You-Tube: FINE FEATHERED FREELOADING FRIENDS, or One Tough Crowd!
I found the "I Spy Birdhouse", ordered the complete ensemble of house, feeder and level. One day, during a visit, while the Trio and I were finishing lunch, there was a knock at the door. A package was delivered! There is little more thrilling for children than to receive a package. The Trio tore into the box as if Christmas was suddenly declared. We gathered around a table and as Tess read directions, Todd and Tanner engineered the new construction. After Tess finished reading the directions and we had an assortment of extra pieces. I re-read the directions as Tess dissembled the boys' work and Todd tried to put it together again. The key to this is that the house has suction cups to hold it on the outside of a window and a one-way mirror film hangs inside of the window. Birds are supposed to think that it is a private nook with a dark, solid back, which is actually the wall through which we can "spy" and see nest building, etc. We took a step ladder out of the garage, tried it on for size and it was declared that Meme was the only one tall enough to stand on the ladder and reach one of the window panes targeted for the new house. Yes, in the front dining room window. With Tess holding the house and the boys steadying the ladder (ah-ha, yeah, that's the ticket - steadying) I climbed up, took the house from Tess and attached our new "I Spy Birdhouse" to the house window. We returned inside to assemble the bird feeder. Problems? Yep! Nothing is simple. The suction cup couldn't negotiate the sphere shape of the feeder to attach to the window. So, I rigged wire going through it and attached it onto a rather tall rhododendron that brushes the targeted window. Upon our return inside, Tanner picked up the level and asked what to do with it! I told the children that we were supposed to use it to be sure that we hung the house straight. Todd just looked at me and said, "Hey, Meme! We're professionals. We eye-balled it!" We filled the feeder with crushed saltines, having no bird seed. Second to receiving a package, there is a rush when children can take turns smashing anything - crackers- no exception. Inside, we attached the one way mirror film. Priscilla, my cat, drew up a lease with option to buy and we scheduled an open house to encourage traffic and screen potential residents.
For days now, birds have been chowing down on my crackers like little porkers! I cannot keep the feeder full. Those feathered mooches are bellying up to the feeder, loading up and not even leaving a tip!
Late in the afternoon, early evening-ish today, I was sipping a glass of wine on the back deck. A sparrow perched itself on a wire near me, looking at me, he began to squawk! It hopped around and complained like an irate diner who in an upscale restaurant, found a mouse doing the backstroke in his soup! A cardinal joined him and began almost honking alerting his friends. After a while, I had two wires full of hostile, complaining birds, apparently misreading Priscilla's menu board as a "Customer Service" sign! I think, but I can't be sure, that those freeloaders are becoming bored with saltines and want a change in menu! Now, they are lousy tippers and have never put any cash in the donation jar! What nervve. Priscilla joined me on the deck and shared my amazement! She is not as patient as I. So, she went directly inside and raised the prices on the menu board and is now rewriting the lease to include a bigger meal plan and cleaning charges. Commercial "add-ons".
Well, Mother Nature, I do not know if running a nesting Bed and Breakfast house is truly my vocation. I am inclined to think that I am not cut out to feed the greedy hungry. At best, Priscilla and I are going to video this fiasco and possibly run it on You-Tube: FINE FEATHERED FREELOADING FRIENDS, or One Tough Crowd!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
MC DONALD'S - I'M LOVIN' IT!
I have mentioned to whoever falls victim to my rants, how I am not a fan (big or little) of Naples, Florida , nor Zanesville, Ohio. The only difference between the two (other than geography) is that Naples is affluent and Zanesville - not so much. The citizens/residents of both checked manners, intelligence at the borders before entering.
BUT...
Both have a McDonald's with Wi-Fi! In situations when I have been condemned to either municipality, I have wandered into McDonald's with my computer, newspaper, loneliness and an extreme thirst for coffee! After I corralled the Trio (grandchildren), which is like herding cats, early in the morning, I would stop in at a Naples' McDonald's. A very nice man explained the "drill" to access the Internet, other patrons chatted with the children and frankly, for hours, one could actually enjoy oneself! The partons were older, well-dressed, well-spoken and "regulars" that met in the mornings before their days began! Friendly, welcoming, patient, fun! The staff of the establishment seemed to be waiting for us and glad that we finally arrived! After a few mornings, the people remembered our names, saved a table large enough for the Trio and myself and all of my assorted papers! When a gentleman, any gentleman, would get up for a refill, he would ask if I was ready for a warm up! I expressed my shock, gratitude and said that should I wander back into Naples, I would most certainly join the crowd again!
AND THEN...
I spent a week in Zanesville, Ohio with the children while my daughter was out of town. For some reason, the Internet was "down". What to do? After dropping the children off at school, I headed for the nearest McDonald's, on Maple Avenue, might I add. I found a great table, with a perfect view of the television, already tuned in to NBC (I am a "Today Show" junkie). I spread out - newspaper, computer, papers, breakfast and hunkered down. After a short time, one of the employees approached and offered to refill my coffee cup. Patrons coming and going all smiled, said "Good Morning". Like Naples, the guests were older. Designer clothing was lacking, but warmth, friendliness were the norm. On the second morning, as I entered, one man said: "Here you go, honey - the table must be reserved for you!" Chit chat about everything and nothing included een me! My visit became a party. By the third morning, the staff greeted me, the partons( sounded like the customers in "Cheers" when they would yell out "Norm!") exclaimed: "Laur!" Who would get more coffee, who would read everyone's horoscopes, and "Hey, girl, what 'er ya workin' on now?" was directed at me!
SO...
On my last morning for this visit in Zanesville, I met my 25 new friends, settled in and flipped on "Happy" on You-Tube. The crowd, including staff, gravitated towards me. Some were familiar with "that hip hop stuff" because of grandchildren. By the time I played the song for the second time, the partons of McDonald's were dancing, singing, snapping their fingers! We were all "happy"! I phoned and placed my phone on speaker for one more encore so that my parents, in their local McDonald's on the Hamburg Turnpike in Wayne, NJ, could hear what is in store for them when I join them during my next visit.
MY THOUGHT...
The McDonald Corporation should stand and proudly bow! The dispositions of the employees encourage a "regular" crowd of very, very, very nice people. The Senior Citizen Breakfast Club (my words, not theirs) is made to feel welcome, not rushed (how about that for a fast food joint?). McDonald's guidelines and policies, I think, have established a universal protocol of patience, kindness and understanding. McDonald's is a haven for those seeking companionship, peer idea exchange and a sense of "belonging". I appreciate Happy Meals and Play Areas when I have the children with me. McDonald's accommodates all ages, true. However, whether it be Zanesville, Centerville, Ohio; Naples, Orlando, Florida; Wayne, New Jersey; Times Square, NYC or anyplace on the planet, McDonald's corporation, thank you! I'M LOVIN' IT!!!
BUT...
Both have a McDonald's with Wi-Fi! In situations when I have been condemned to either municipality, I have wandered into McDonald's with my computer, newspaper, loneliness and an extreme thirst for coffee! After I corralled the Trio (grandchildren), which is like herding cats, early in the morning, I would stop in at a Naples' McDonald's. A very nice man explained the "drill" to access the Internet, other patrons chatted with the children and frankly, for hours, one could actually enjoy oneself! The partons were older, well-dressed, well-spoken and "regulars" that met in the mornings before their days began! Friendly, welcoming, patient, fun! The staff of the establishment seemed to be waiting for us and glad that we finally arrived! After a few mornings, the people remembered our names, saved a table large enough for the Trio and myself and all of my assorted papers! When a gentleman, any gentleman, would get up for a refill, he would ask if I was ready for a warm up! I expressed my shock, gratitude and said that should I wander back into Naples, I would most certainly join the crowd again!
AND THEN...
I spent a week in Zanesville, Ohio with the children while my daughter was out of town. For some reason, the Internet was "down". What to do? After dropping the children off at school, I headed for the nearest McDonald's, on Maple Avenue, might I add. I found a great table, with a perfect view of the television, already tuned in to NBC (I am a "Today Show" junkie). I spread out - newspaper, computer, papers, breakfast and hunkered down. After a short time, one of the employees approached and offered to refill my coffee cup. Patrons coming and going all smiled, said "Good Morning". Like Naples, the guests were older. Designer clothing was lacking, but warmth, friendliness were the norm. On the second morning, as I entered, one man said: "Here you go, honey - the table must be reserved for you!" Chit chat about everything and nothing included een me! My visit became a party. By the third morning, the staff greeted me, the partons( sounded like the customers in "Cheers" when they would yell out "Norm!") exclaimed: "Laur!" Who would get more coffee, who would read everyone's horoscopes, and "Hey, girl, what 'er ya workin' on now?" was directed at me!
SO...
On my last morning for this visit in Zanesville, I met my 25 new friends, settled in and flipped on "Happy" on You-Tube. The crowd, including staff, gravitated towards me. Some were familiar with "that hip hop stuff" because of grandchildren. By the time I played the song for the second time, the partons of McDonald's were dancing, singing, snapping their fingers! We were all "happy"! I phoned and placed my phone on speaker for one more encore so that my parents, in their local McDonald's on the Hamburg Turnpike in Wayne, NJ, could hear what is in store for them when I join them during my next visit.
MY THOUGHT...
The McDonald Corporation should stand and proudly bow! The dispositions of the employees encourage a "regular" crowd of very, very, very nice people. The Senior Citizen Breakfast Club (my words, not theirs) is made to feel welcome, not rushed (how about that for a fast food joint?). McDonald's guidelines and policies, I think, have established a universal protocol of patience, kindness and understanding. McDonald's is a haven for those seeking companionship, peer idea exchange and a sense of "belonging". I appreciate Happy Meals and Play Areas when I have the children with me. McDonald's accommodates all ages, true. However, whether it be Zanesville, Centerville, Ohio; Naples, Orlando, Florida; Wayne, New Jersey; Times Square, NYC or anyplace on the planet, McDonald's corporation, thank you! I'M LOVIN' IT!!!
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