One afternoon, I was embroidering and sipping some Vanilla Chai Tea. My reverie was shattered by my phone's Pirate Jig ringtone. All three grandchildren - Todd, 10; tess, 9; Tanner, 6 happened to be on three separate extentions, screeching, giggling all at once. The gist of the episode was a chorus of "Hey Meme!" (That's may-may) "Quick! Turn on the television! We need the "I Spy Birdhouse"! And, if you order right now, we can get a free bird feeder with it and a laser level!" I tried asking what channel...another sales pitch in three part harmony. I tried asking if they could jot down a phone number since this treasure was available only "as seen on TV" The response was from Tanner: "What's a level?" I asked if there was a web site. Tess told Tanner that if he didn't know what a level was, he couldn't use it when it came. I asked if there was an address. Todd told Tess to stop and get to the business of buying the contraption. In other words, I had three enthusiastic consumers leaving me to figure it all out and of course, pay for it. After a little of the frenzy died down, I said that I would check it out and have my fingers do the surfing on my keyboard. Tess reminded me that the "I Spy Birdhouse" had to be shipped to my house. Mommy would have a conniption if they tried hanging it on any window at their house. Of course.
I found the "I Spy Birdhouse", ordered the complete ensemble of house, feeder and level. One day, during a visit, while the Trio and I were finishing lunch, there was a knock at the door. A package was delivered! There is little more thrilling for children than to receive a package. The Trio tore into the box as if Christmas was suddenly declared. We gathered around a table and as Tess read directions, Todd and Tanner engineered the new construction. After Tess finished reading the directions and we had an assortment of extra pieces. I re-read the directions as Tess dissembled the boys' work and Todd tried to put it together again. The key to this is that the house has suction cups to hold it on the outside of a window and a one-way mirror film hangs inside of the window. Birds are supposed to think that it is a private nook with a dark, solid back, which is actually the wall through which we can "spy" and see nest building, etc. We took a step ladder out of the garage, tried it on for size and it was declared that Meme was the only one tall enough to stand on the ladder and reach one of the window panes targeted for the new house. Yes, in the front dining room window. With Tess holding the house and the boys steadying the ladder (ah-ha, yeah, that's the ticket - steadying) I climbed up, took the house from Tess and attached our new "I Spy Birdhouse" to the house window. We returned inside to assemble the bird feeder. Problems? Yep! Nothing is simple. The suction cup couldn't negotiate the sphere shape of the feeder to attach to the window. So, I rigged wire going through it and attached it onto a rather tall rhododendron that brushes the targeted window. Upon our return inside, Tanner picked up the level and asked what to do with it! I told the children that we were supposed to use it to be sure that we hung the house straight. Todd just looked at me and said, "Hey, Meme! We're professionals. We eye-balled it!" We filled the feeder with crushed saltines, having no bird seed. Second to receiving a package, there is a rush when children can take turns smashing anything - crackers- no exception. Inside, we attached the one way mirror film. Priscilla, my cat, drew up a lease with option to buy and we scheduled an open house to encourage traffic and screen potential residents.
For days now, birds have been chowing down on my crackers like little porkers! I cannot keep the feeder full. Those feathered mooches are bellying up to the feeder, loading up and not even leaving a tip!
Late in the afternoon, early evening-ish today, I was sipping a glass of wine on the back deck. A sparrow perched itself on a wire near me, looking at me, he began to squawk! It hopped around and complained like an irate diner who in an upscale restaurant, found a mouse doing the backstroke in his soup! A cardinal joined him and began almost honking alerting his friends. After a while, I had two wires full of hostile, complaining birds, apparently misreading Priscilla's menu board as a "Customer Service" sign! I think, but I can't be sure, that those freeloaders are becoming bored with saltines and want a change in menu! Now, they are lousy tippers and have never put any cash in the donation jar! What nervve. Priscilla joined me on the deck and shared my amazement! She is not as patient as I. So, she went directly inside and raised the prices on the menu board and is now rewriting the lease to include a bigger meal plan and cleaning charges. Commercial "add-ons".
Well, Mother Nature, I do not know if running a nesting Bed and Breakfast house is truly my vocation. I am inclined to think that I am not cut out to feed the greedy hungry. At best, Priscilla and I are going to video this fiasco and possibly run it on You-Tube: FINE FEATHERED FREELOADING FRIENDS, or One Tough Crowd!
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